I am restructuring. My life, that is. Reshaping, undergoing a redesign. That all sounds so clinical, but I can't think of a different way to phrase it. I'm compartmentalizing, eliminating things, moving up, on, out, whatever. I'm moving in some direction, and that's what's important.
The past little while has been... well, frankly, not the way I want things to continue going. So, what else is there to do but change it? Do something else, go somewhere else, meet new people, go on an adventure. I'm all about the adventures.
School is almost done for the semester and I will have a month to think and plan and continue restructuring. I will be making changes, I don't know what kind of changes, but there will be changes and I'm excited about this.
I feel like... I feel like I'm the queen of making plans and then putting them on the bookshelf to gather dust. But now I'm at the point where all I can think about is OKAY. SOON I'LL BE 20. You should really start doing what you want by the time you're 20. And I'm not. And I don't know what I want. But I know that I want to know what I want. Following?
So I'm trying to figure this out. I'm trying to follow through on my millions of plans, and trying to break down my big dreams into bite sized pieces, functional pieces. I'm trying to shuffle through all the half-forgotten papers and false promises to myself and find a starting point.
I need a change. I'm bad at settling. It's been a year and a half, and I'm antsy already here. I want to be somewhere unfamiliar with new people and new things to do and be able to come back and tell people about it and get excited and feel alive.
I realize this leaves me at a rather inconclusive point, but as I say, it's a work in progress. And everything is a work in progress. Everyone is a work in progress, so why couldn't this work?
It's like, I daydream about walking to the edge of the unknown and jumping off, but I never do because I'm boxed in by all the "ifs" and all the fears of making a mistake. Basically, I'm all talk. But I don't want that. I WANT to make mistakes and figure things out and be able to say, definitively, YES. THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO. There have been so few times where I've ever been able to think like that.
I've been watching other people jump and watching other people settle, while I sort of hang in this purgatory, this middle ground. Maybe it depends on who you are, but from my perspective, the ones who jump are the ones who are going to end up happier. Or more fulfilled.
My question has always been WHEN? When do you jump? What great milestone do you pass before you decide to fearlessly face the unknown? Do I finish high school and go? I tried that but it turns out that wasn't my jump. Do I finish my degree? Do I have to fall in love?
I don't know what the answer is, but what I'm discovering is that maybe you jump and everything else follows YOU. There isn't a cue. Nobody is telling you 'ready, set go.' And that's why it's scary, but it's also thrilling.
So I'm going to jump. Not unprepared, of course. I'm doing my research, I'm making a plan, and so I'll jump with a parachute.
All I know right now is that there needs to be some change. And if not now, then when?
-Maya Angelou
Exactly. EXACTLY.
I need to be on a lapel-grabbing, mistake-making, unfamiliar adventure.
And I have to stop waiting for it to find me.
I have to be brave.
And I have to jump.
Because otherwise? There will be regrets.
And I think regrets are the saddest thing I could end up with...
